Every Kwanzini Film Ranked

- B. Allan Johnson

In my solitude, I have found myself with time. To fill it, I've decided to watch and rank every film owned by Kwanzini Studios. Watching took four hours. I wouldn't ask anyone to do such a thing.

Headshot 1+2

Thirty minutes of unwatchable nonsense.

A Walk 2

A Walk 2 bastardizes the brilliance of A Walk. A Walk 2 has dialogue and plot, ruining everything the original became iconic for.

Kwan-Chi: Spirits of China Town

Spirits of Chinatown is the worst. I cannot emphasize how unwatchable this film is. There isn't a modicum of story. The audio is impossible to decipher. It's shot on an Iphone after a Hotpot. I never want to see this again.

Kwan-Chi: Four Fists of Fury

Twenty minutes of the worst era of Kwan-Chi. You wouldn't believe how boring this movie is.

Milkshake 2: Cream of the Crop

Milkshake 2 is a fascinating look into a group of people who have no idea what milkshakes are. Lane Capps becomes leader, but his advice and reviews are nonsense. This particular group seem to thrive off each others toxicity. I cannot imagine these people in the same room. And yes, it's poorly shot and is practically unedited. You get to watch every second of this shit.

Milkshake

Better than Cream of the Crop because it's not thirty minutes long.

Fun in the Sun

Not a movie. Not even funny or interesting.

Chef Oliver: A Bite of Italy

A vlog with a few jokes.

Rik and Morty: End of the Universe

No one has ever seen this to the bitter end. One commenter wrote, "Morty is too big!"

Kwan-Chi: Through Fire and Flames

I dare you to tell me what happens in this movie.

Kwan-Chi: A New Dynasty

It's just the first Kwan-Chi, but with less plot and an excruciating basketball scene.

Kwan-Chi: Origins of Kuck-Chi

The original Kuck-Chi is unremarkable. The only thing worth remembering is the sex scene, but no one really wants to see that.

Kwan-Chi: Chi Council

Eddie-Kang is a bizarre addition to the KCU (Kwan-Chi Cinematic Universe). Eddie-Kang is introduced as a sympathetic villain, only for him to threaten his own brother with painful dismemberment. Kwan's performance is probably the funniest part of this lazy movie.

Aquapeople

What is the plot? Why does it happen? What are the characters motivations? This is a nothing movie that would be left forgotten and sequel-less if not for One for the Ocean.

Kwan-Chi: Ring Redemption

I watched this yesterday, and I cannot remember what happened.

Kwan-Chi: Path of Darkness

Can't remember this one either.

Kwanzini's Halloween Special

I didn't hate it.

Wrizzmaster Ryderon

The humor doesn't land. It reminds me of the kind of stuff I watched when I was twelve--which is when I thought swearing was funny.

Kwanzini's St. Patrick's Day Special

Nothing happens in this. It's like a Saw movie with actual torture.

Drew Goes to the Zoo

It's inconsistently shot and painfully unfunny. The rat is pretty good, though.

Aquapeople: Atlantis Forever

While better than the first, it is still nonsense. Big fan of the Trenchman's songs. And Cry me an Ocean is a great contender against One for the Ocean.

Five Nights at Kwanzini's

I think this movie is very funny.

How Vinny Met Rocco

How Vinny Met Rocco was my film school. It was mostly a practice film, but there are moments in it I still really like. It does end up ruining the continuity of Vinny and The Boss, but it's not that big of a deal.

A Walk: Return from Darkness

While technically better than A Walk, it doesn't have the same spirit.

Kwan-Chi: Serpant's Seven

In my opinion, this is the best Kwan-Chi, but objectively, this is awful. Will Flemming's iconic intro scene remains the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Kwan-Chi: The Legend of the Ten Rings

Following the release of the first Kwan-Chi, the audience was given a run of some of the worst Kwan-Chi's, so I understand why people consider this the best. In comparison to those, this is much more watchable. But Kwan goes on to direct much better KCU films.

Tricky Dick

Tricky Dick is too long and mostly unfunny. Tom acts the hell out of this role, but that cannot save this film from being boring.

The Investor

A film that, to this day, I do not understand. There are many funny moments, and it's an iconic film. Of Kwanzini Studios' early films, this is certainly the best.

Crypto Dreams: Into the Metaverse

The original Crypto dreams is rough around the edges, but it's still iconic. Every Kwanzini film following this tried to recapture the magic of this film, but they always fall devastatingly short.

Crypto Dreams: Cryptomania

Cryptomania is a nonsense movie. There's no reason for it to be fifteen minutes, and the inclusion of the Crypto Council is wasted.

Crypto Dreams: Metaverse of Madness

We all love Metaverse of Madness. It doesn't touch the top ten, but it's good. Also, the Morbius reference is awful and should've been cut.

Kwan-Chi: Hack and Slash

I remember liking this one, but the Kwan-Chi's all blend together in my brain, and I cannot remember which is which.

Kwan-Chi: Rise of the Champion

Rise of the Champion's first punch is strong, but it falls of as it nears the end of the film. Gotta love that Andrew Tate speech in the credits.

Kwan-Chi: Heist of a Lifetime

This Kwan-Chi is fun and memorable. The nonsense actually works in this movie because it isn't impossible to follow. This is the best Kwan-Chi.

A Walk

Undeniable classic.

Weasel and Friends Club

Initially regarded as one of Kwan's worst films, Weasel and Friends Club has found a place in my heart. The film has so many great moments: the indoctrination scene, the murder scene, the weasel food scene. It's all so funny, and the payoff is great. Rewatch this one.

Chef Oliver

Chef Oliver is very clever and plays into the absurdity very well. Oliver Diaz Moore has great charisma. The intro is great, and the payoff feels right.

Top Kwan

Top Kwan is a potential career ender for everyone involved. There are so many dick jokes and gay jokes. It's funny, but I don't know if Kwan's brave enough to keep it online.

Kuck-Chi Origins: Days at the Circus

There are many visual and audio problems in Raoul Player's directorial debut, but it picks up near the end. I'm willing to say this has the best montage of any Kwan-Chi film. I showed the rough cut of this film to my little brother, who, after watching Colton the Clown's death scene, said, "I got chills."

Kwanzini's St. Patrick's Day Special: The Banshees of McDonalds

What is regarded as Jimmy K's peak I found, upon a rewatch, that I liked it much less. Yes, it is still funny and unique and very high on the ranking, but it's not as good as we all think it is.

El Tigré: Feel the Fang

I am still very proud of El Tigré, and I'll finish editing it someday, I promise.

Hotel Monaco

While Monaco is rough around the edges, it's still the only real film ever made by Kwan. The first film that Kwan made to pursue a passion and not made to fuck with his audience. I think if Kwan gave himself more time to flesh out the script and plan the shooting this could be Kwan's best. "It seems my suspicions are correct! Someone is playing a foul game!"

Kwanzini's Valentine's Day Special

While not an intriguing narrative, Valentine's Day Special is an entertaining variety piece. It contains the first female performance in Kwanzini Studios history and has some of the best music.

Kwanzini's Summertime Special

Summertime special is the best Kwanzini film. It ties the specials together in a way that gives the audience a satisfying conclusion. It's like a modern David and Goliath. Finally, Drew beats Kwan, and he's free from torment. It's a great way to tie Kwanzini studios into a neat bow.

I am owed twenty-something bucks for this article. I should've charged more.